Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Zombies will eat your brains. Fact.

Before I get to the zombies (if you are really keen on zombies, go ahead and scroll down to the next paragraph, this part is not that interesting anyway), did I tell you what my Vegas shirt says? Eat, drink, get lucky. To be realistic, it should say: eat, drink, get fat. Because really, who does anything half-assed in Vegas? If there is eating, it's an all-you-can-eat buffet. If it's drinking, it's the yard of Margarita, and then some. Vegas is all about excess and doin' in up big. Vegas is NOT the place for people trying to lose weight, that's fo sho. I am lucky I got out of there alive, let alone with only two short-lived pounds! 

That being said, I can't wait to go back. :)

Today we went to the ever'thin'-you-never-knew-you-wanted-as-soon-but-as-you-saw-it-you-knew- you-have-JUST-GOT-TO-HAVE-IT store, Costco. You know when you walk in, you might as well just sign over your latest paycheque. It just whispers its sweet, sweet Costco words into your ear, and suddenly you are the proud owner of dehumidifier/sausage smoker and a 60 gallon jar of mayonnaise, and 25 house plants, and you are a VEGETARIAN living in the DESERT. Fuuuuck. Costco is also the best place to hole-up in the very likely case of a zombie attack, according to husband. And if you think about it, he's right. You have the basics like food and water, but also much-needed entertainment items to distract you from the idea that you may die horribly very soon (and let's face it, if you have seen any zombie movies, you know you are pretty fucking doomed). These would be things like TVs, books, CDs and dart boards (upon which you can affix your favourite zombie's corpse face to simulate the revenge you will take should you happen upon said zombie). And not to mention the big-ass doors that come down and lock you in snug as a bug in something or other cozy. The other important staple you will find at Costco: toilet paper. There's nothing worse than withstanding the zombie hordes hot for your brains and then running out of t.p. I'd just throw in the towel at that point (after wiping my ass with it, of course). Consider this part of my post a public service announcement, 'cause I may have just saved your lives, bitches! 

Just because I have zombies on the brain now, I will share with you a very charming song on this very topic. It is the musical stylings of Jonathan Coulton. He has written many such amusing songs, and a lot of them are on You Tube because a fan created World of Warcraft-like videos to go along with the songs. Tooo funny. So check out re: Your Brains. Now, if you like that one, you must check out a song about a maniacal evil overlord-type who is having problems with his love life: Skullcrusher Mountain

Oh, this is a weight-loss blog? I should be talking about food and exercise? Ok then. 

I had cereal with lovely strawberries today, which was great, but then we left for Costco at an awkward hour and were there and it was past lunchtime. I ate a hot dog *hangs head in shame*. Fuckeroo. Then it was dinner at the MIL's...delicious BBQ chicken boobs, an amazing sliced potato and onion concoction, salad and corn on the cob. I had to have 1/2 a piece of pita bread 'cause the Greek MIL's tzatziki is the shit. Seriously. Dessert was fresh fruit. I was almost too full to eat any. Almost. 

For my workout I dusted off *cough* my neglected step and fired up my 6000-year-old step tape. The VCR almost made a meal outta it, and now it seems to want to FF at random moments. Oh, poor step tape, how old and frail you are. The workout is still good, and as I may have mentioned before, since I know the routine very well, I can watch a movie on my laptop whilst doing it. I know. You are very impressed. Because I can sense that you will be curious about the movie I watched, I will tell you, but shhhhhh, no tell anyone else! I may have watched a pirated movie. Eeep!  I watched The Ugly Truth. Cute movie. I still put my money into the big franchises though, so I don't feel too bad catching a freebie once and a while. Sometimes you just need to hit the ginormoplex for the big screen, big sound thang. Hope you don't think less of me for my illegal activities. If any readers are officers of the law...um...it was my brother's laptop, and um...the movie just sort of popped up outta nowhere. Very weird! But, I digress. I dragged out the step today because I've been a very lazy girl and have only been riding the bike for the last month or so. Time to change things up a bit...hopefully knock a couple pounds off my ass soon! I really want people to see me in Sept. when school starts and just be like..."Wow, who is that skinny, gorgeous chick?" Heck, I'd settle for, "Who is that mildly pudgy, attractive woman?" 

Stats for the day:

Exercise: 45 min. step

Weight: 195


Fat Daddy said...

Never thought of the anti-zombie value of Costco. I belong to Sam's Club, which I imagine works the same. Good to know in a pinch.

You must be getting serious to break out the step. Good luck on your September goal.

RFlatstone said...

Okay, first, awesome on the Johnny C reference. And WHO introduced you to that song? Hmmmm??

Second, zombies are an excellent topic for a weight-loss related blog. First, when have you ever seen an overweight zombie? Well, there was that one in the Michael Jackson video, but, come on! THOSE zombies also line-danced, so, I’m doubting the veracity of that source. Therefore, I still contend that zombies must be onto something.

So, are we talking about a diet of brains? Like other organ meats, brains go well "with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." (consult your doctor if you are taking MAOIs). However, the makeup of brains is about 60% fat due to large quantities of myelin, which is, itself, about 70% fat, which insulates the axons and neurons. A single serving of brains (about 140 g) contains 3,500 mg of cholesterol – 1170% of the US Recommended Daily Allowance. So, I’m kind of thinking “no” on the brains.

Of course, there are two distinct genera of zombie. That is to say, besides the voodoo zombie, which is not a reanimated corpse, or the modern “28 Days” science-gone-bad style, which also is not a reanimated corpse. I’m referring to the “dead” and the “living dead” breeds. A thorough study of the difference between the Romero's vs O'Bannon's zombies could take a lifetime, but suffice it to say that not all zombies eat just brains. Some are happy to eat the whole victim.

So, what? Are we talking cannibalism now? I think not. With the worldwide obesity crisis, “Long Pork” is somewhere near the bottom of lean meats, somewhere just above whale, walrus and seal. No, you’re much better off with rabbit and chicken. Bison is also an excellent substitute for beef and it tastes wonderful (be careful not to overcook as it tends to dry out easily).

So what DO the zombies have going for them? Well, near as I can figure, they’re dead! They don’t have a metabolism to speak of, they don’t actually absorb nutrients from the food they eat, and some don’t even have functioning digestive track anymore. I suppose many people attempt to effectively duplicate this condition with gastric bypass surgeries, but not with the zombie’s degree o effectiveness.

So, I think we’ve come to a dead end. The zombie method of weight-loss is ultimately self-defeating. If you want to lose weight for health reasons, well, being dead is decidedly NOT good for your heath. If you seek a better quality of life, well, you see the problem there. And if you just want to look better, um, no; zombies are not known for their hotness. That’s vampires.

So what have we learned today, folks? Brains, bad. Meats that are high in fat, bad. Death, very bad. Going to a zombie movie, good! It will quicken your heart-rate and burn off a few calories. Fighting for survival during a zombie apocalypse, BEST! You’ll get an excellent, high-adrenaline, high-impact work-out with limited access to food.

One way or another, losing weight is a tough battle.

TC said...

Fat Daddy: Yup, I am here to open eyes, really. :)

Troy: LOL!! OMG...that is AWESOME! Should I be worried about your knowledge of the nutritional value of brains?!?! I am relieved to know that in the event of a zombie apocalypse I may drop a couple pounds! Silver lining to everything. Thanks for posting your comment, and dude, seriously, you should start another blog of just "Troy Stuff". Dooo eeeet!!

RFlatstone said...

Eh, I'd love to, but I'm too busy working on blogs for other people. There's the vampire blog, the Klingon blog, the Dungeons & Dragons blog. Nah, I'll just content myself to inject my Troyish goodness into other people's blogs.

Organic Meatbag said...

Zombies are interesting, but I think it's far too cliche' that they only want brains...I think it would be funny if all they wanted to eat were livers and chicken necks...maybe even Monopoly money... c'mon zombies, mix it up!!

Anonymous said...

Haha you said "stylings"

TC said...

Organic Meatbag: (Excellent name, btw) I have to agree with you on that, but I do think that, while brains are their food of choice, zombies will rend and chew any human flesh they encounter. I mean, really, do they have the luxury of being picky eaters?

Coley: Er...yes...can't you just ignore it, maybe? :P

RFlatstone said...

Well, as I said before, Romero zombies eat the whole victim while O'Bannon's zombies eat only brains. It's not matter of preference for the O'Bannonites - that particular breed feels pain as the decompose, and brains, apparently, ease the pain temporarily. My theory is it has something to do with neural activity being somehow inhibited by the myelin. Anyway, just like a vampire's gotta have blood, O'Bannon zombies gotta have brains.

But if we go back to the classic Romero zombie, you have something. The eat it all - and they are apprently adventurous eaters, willing to try rodent meat. However, some reason, dogs are safe. Go figure.

However, the question becomes, what happens when everyone is a zombie and there's no more victims? Why don't zombies eat EACH OTHER? And if they won't eat other zombies, how do they know who is and is not a zombie? If you just shuffle around and moan, will they ignore you or do they just KNOW? (see Shaun of the Dead).

Just trying to help.